Well, it's been over 2 years now and we still have Joshua's ashes in a cupboard at home - we still haven't laid him to rest. I really think that I need to take him to Canberra and release him over Yerrabi Pond, the same place we released Cara... no other place seems right somehow. I like to visualize them together (Cara and Joshua) - holding hands and running to and with my Dad and my 4 grandparents and my sister Narelle and my cousin Evan. So many people up there to look after my little angels - how blessed I am.
As for grieving - I think I'm done with grieving, or at least the major part of it. I think Joshua's last birthday really healed a lot of hurt and pain over his loss - it is such a beautiful memory in my mind ;-) I no longer hurt when I see complete families or families with 4 children or a child who would be close in age to our Cara or our Joshua.
When I think of my baby boy now I smile at the vision described above and know that he has "fulfilled his purpose" (words shared with me by my very wise cousin Maria). I hope one day that I become aware of what that purpose was, but even if I don't, it doesn't matter. I was the vehicle by which he fulfilled his purpose - so be it. Those words have been so instrumental in my healing, quite amazing really.
There is a certain sense of peace that washes over me sometimes and I think it's when my darlings have their arms around me. I know that they are not here with me, but in a way they never feel far away either. Sounds crazy I know. I know that there will be days of sadness in my future but they will be nothing compared to the days I've experienced in the 2 years after I lost Cara and then Joshua.
Not sure that I will need to write here any more, I think it's time to move on now - not to forget, NEVER will I forget, just to move on. A part of my heart will be forever with my angels and I know now that it won't be just me remembering them. Every time someone in the world thinks of my angels, my heart will heal a little bit more and my strength will grow and one day I will be able to laugh just as easily and heartily as I did before 13th July 2003... one day soon.
