Well, to my surprise Easter was a piece of cake. Joshua was in my face every single day of the last week but it didn't have much to do with Easter - well, sort of.
I woke up on Good Friday feeling a strong urge to get out into the garden - the place where I feel closest to my Joshua. So, after a fairly leisurely morning I left my darling husband in charge of my gorgeous children and I went out to garden. After about 20 minutes it started to drizzle but I kept working and I asked the heavens to just hold off for an hour... pleeease! After another 5 minutes it started to rain too heavily to keep working so I gave in and went inside. After 10 minutes of clearing up inside the rain eased and so I donned my raincoat and went back out to do some more weeding. Over the next 20 minutes the downpour increased steadily as did my anger. Why the hell couldn't he give me 1 hour in the garden, hadn't he already taken enough from me! Every 10 minutes I went outside to see what the conditions were like and it was still pouring and my anger grew. At 2:45pm Liane asked if I was going to 3pm mass and I hesitated and thought about it and I said "Nope! I'm not".
For the first time in my life I didn't attend Good Friday service and I felt like a petulant child but I had made up my mind and I wasn't going, no way! At about 4pm the rain eased again and I went outside and finished an uninterrupted hour of weeding and even though there was so much more to do I felt satisfied with my efforts. Physically I was exhausted but I think that was more about my state of mind that the strain of weeding.
I woke up on Saturday morning with lower back pain and aching legs and I cursed myself for overdoing the gardening the day before, but it was too late to do much about it. As a result of my stubborness I missed out on a family lunch as I didn't feel able to handle the drive to and from Mt Eliza and I wasn't very impressed with my world. I didn't get much done on Saturday due to my level of pain and at 9pm on Saturday evening I suddenly realized that I was having people over for Easter Sunday lunch and my house was a pig sty and so I started cleaning and tidying.
On Sunday morning I woke up feeling like I was never going to be ready for our guests and I was once again pissed off with God! Who else was I to blame. My plans to go to 10am mass flew out the window and I convinced myself that it didn't matter and that it wasn't important and the day came and went and it was a great day. I little my candle for Joshua and my candle for Cara and when we sat down to our Easter meal I thought of all that was missing from our lives.
The next day, as Jeremy and Amy left for the footy with friends from Perth, Charlotte spotted 4 white butterflies in our garden and of course Amy has to race over and greet them. Normally when I see a white butterfly it is on it's own and those of you who know me well, know that all butterflies remind me of my darling Cara. On this morning I thought to myself "Hi Cara, it's so nice to see you with some friends instead of on your own" and a sense of peace washed over me.
Since January I have started doubting my beliefs and I haven't really known what to believe in any more. I have never doubted the existence of Jesus but I have to admit that I had begun to wonder what all this "God" business was really about.
Tonight, Jeremy and I went to the movies for the first time in years, because Amy and Charlotte are at Yolette's for the night, and we saw "The Knowing". What an amazingly beautiful story - it uplifted my spirit and renewed my faith in a higher power, a greater being, a heavenly existence. I feel like a weight has been lifted from my heart and I have once again begun to rejoice in the richness that ALL my children have brought to my life whether they have remained with me or not.
And on that note I will end tonight. Goodnight all.
