I find it quite fascinating how the human mind works. To anyone reading this blog, please remember that this is how I work things through in my mind and that my intention is not to criticise or blame anyone, just to think out loud so that I can come to a place of peace in my head.
I have been going through a lot of emotional turmoil over the past few weeks due to events that have taken place at my children's Montessori school. In a nutshell - I feel that we have lost an amazing Montessori educator and that it was not handled in a very respectful way by those involved. So many events and issues have come to the surface and the situation is so complicated that it has become quite difficult for me to process it all.
In my head, I understand that those ultimately responsible for the decision truly feel that they have taken action in the best interests of the school and I fully support them in that decision because they have so much more information than I do, or want to, have.
I understand that some of the staff have been quite unhappy for quite some time and that's not a great position to be in - to dislike turning up to work everyday. I must commend them on their dedication to the education of our children despite these personal issues - the children have been totally unaware of any of this and, as always, more than happy to come to school everyday.
It has questioned my understanding of what Montessori is and what the school stands for. It has questioned my belief that all humans are intrinsically good hearted people. It has brought me to the realisation that people can only see the "whole" picture by what they see and hear directly and that if I, as a member of the community, don't speak out about what I know and what I see then the picture may actually be incomplete because at least one view is missing. It has confirmed to me the importance of transparency and clear and open communication.
I have noticed a considerable change of energy around the school in the past couple of weeks. Once the shock subsided, the heaviness that has been in the air for a long time has gone to be replaced by hope and happiness and I think the Acting Principal, Grace Vella, has played a big role in bringing about that change in the 2 weeks that she has been in the role. Some people are just born leaders and I believe that she is one of them.
I have been going through the process of grieving again... only this time the person that I am grieving for is still alive. I guess it has been a bit like the break up of a relationship. Mostly I have been outraged by the way that his person has been removed from our school and from our children's lives. Despite his failings as a leader and a manager, I truly believe that his only goal was to provide a better Montessori education for our children and to ensure that we, as Montessori parents, receive the education that we are paying a lot of money for.
I do believe that he has lacked the skills required to get people on board with moving forward but I also believe that many people had decided that they weren't going to budge or change their ways even before he came to the school. I believe the way he presented his view of the world made people feel that they weren't good enough when in actual fact he was just inviting and challenging us all to improve ourselves, gain more knowledge and share in his passion and dream.
As humans none of us are perfect, we all have our failings both professionally and personally. I don't believe this gives anyone the right to treat any human being with disrespect. We all come from different life experiences and we all have different personalities. Why cannot we all live in acceptance of these unique aspects within all of us? Why should a person nave to be likeable in order to be accepted?
Why is it that people who are not pure in their motivations end up with so much power and influence? Why is it so hard for us to say "I am so sorry, I made a mistake. I have not dealt with this well. I cannot undo my actions but I promise that I will learn from the past and try to make amends"?
I think that is my lesson from all of this... I need to sit my family down and say exactly that - "I am so sorry, I made a mistake. I have not dealt with this well. I cannot undo my actions but I promise that I will learn from the past and try to make amends"
I need to apologise for being so self-absorbed in my grief over losing Joshua that I have been unable to help them through theirs. I have failed in my own expectations of my role as a mother on so many levels. I have not modelled care for our home. I have not modelled a healthy way of dealing with grief. I have not modelled that it is okay to just scream and cry and say "It's not fair" as long as we don't wallow in it and we do what we need to to move on from there. I have not given them myself for such a long, long time.
They have received snippets of the intense love that I have for them and I have seen them soak it up like a person thirsting for water in the desert, and then I feel myself withdrawing from them and I see them feeling that withdrawal and it makes me want to scream at myself in anger and sob my heart out for taking away what is rightfully theirs.
I need for them to understand that I don't stop loving them - ever, but that I don't always have the strength to show them that love because it makes me so very sad for reasons that I don't truly understand. Surely after having lost 2 children I would want to smother my 2 living children with all the love in my heart? Why don't I? What makes me stop? Why do I not want to let them believe Mummy's love can make everything okay? Why am I so determined to ensure that if I were gone tomorrow that their pain wouldn't be so intense? Why can't I just live in the moment and not be so "real"?
I have watched my oldest child suffer the loss of 2 siblings. She is an extra sensitive soul and she has felt the grief of both losses enormously, even though she was only 21 months when she lost her baby sister and almost 7 when she lost her baby brother. She has an awareness and wisdom way beyond her years and it's not fair that she has had to feel all this pain. Part of my feelings of being a failure as a Mum is tied to the fact that I could not protect her from this pain and that I was in fact instrumental in it - I know that's not rational, but emotions rarely are.
She hasn't been sleeping well for weeks and in my heart I feel that it is tied to her grief, and I know that I am the only person who can help her find a way to deal with it, but I just don't feel strong enough to go there with her - again my sense of failure as a mother.
Just yesterday, I looked around at my home and realised that I am surrounded by piles of "I can't deal with that right now". As a person who likes to have a place for everything and everything in it's place I haven't been true to myself for a long time. Normally, when an event happens I deal with the emotion, release it, learn from it and move on. I haven't been able to do that with Joshua and my home is a true reflection of my emotional state.
I look around at toys and clothes and mess on the floor and piles of boxes in various rooms and think to myself "Oh my God, it's just too much... it's just too hard... it's too painful (on my back)... it's so overwhelming... where do I start... I've only just realised (as I've typed this) that my home is reflecting my grief.
Every few weeks I spend a day tidying up and it feels so good to be able to see the carpet and see things in place but I never seem to have the energy or motivation to keep going until it is all done. I don't actually know if tidying my home will help start my healing or starting my healing with help tidy my home.
Sometimes when people visit I think to myself "What do you actually think of me and the way I keep my home?" but I don't really care about the answer, other times I can feel a voice screaming in my head "Can't you see that I can't do this on my own - why can't you see that I need help?" I don't really believe that anyone can help me, I believe that only I can take the steps necessary to start my healing, but I think I just need acknowledgement of my pain.
Why? Why should I need people to acknowledge my suffering and pain? Everyone has their own burden to bear. Mine is no greater, or lesser, than the next person. What is it exactly that I need to start my journey of healing? Why am I so stuck in this pain?
Oh boy - this hasn't really helped today. I'm sure I'll have to do more soul searching very soon, but right now I need a break. Thanks for caring enough to read this - you are instrumental in my healing. Hugs. Dionnne.
