I knew it would happen... in a way I've been waiting... actually it would be truer to say that I've been running and running and running faster and faster and faster, hoping that I can outrun it, hoping that I never have to visit this grim, dark place ever again but knowing that will never be the case.
The school fair was last Sunday and the wrap-up has taken most of the week and today, except for the thankyou notes and the minutes from the final meeting I am finished. After almost 2 weeks I was given the opportunity to once again sit and watch and enjoy my children here on earth being children and being sisters and knowing that I have helped to create the very special bond they share.
And my heart aches because there are 2 children missing and it's not fair! and it will never be fair! and I will never truly understand why it had to be me! No, I'm not feeling sorry for myself and no I'm not searching for reasons... I just don't understand and I guess I never will and I'm sure I will periodically suffer through these periods of this agonising sense of unfair loss.
For weeks now I have buried myself in the organisation of the school fair and I have so loved every minute of it. I have worked with an amazingly positive group of women who have taught me so much about myself - about what I want out of life and what I want for my children and what I want out of friendships and what I want my children to see and remember in their mother.
I have connected with a beautiful woman who seems so much like me that it scares me and who has married a man so much like Jeremy it's almost comical. I sense her fear of being close to one single friend. I feel the wall that goes up every so often to remind me that there will always be a certain safe distance kept between us. Sometimes that wall goes down for an extremely brief moment and I feel the beauty of being allowed into her sacred space and I feel so safe and nurtured in that space and I want to stay there forever but the wall returns. But I am content with just hanging around for those glimpses, sometimes feeling that maybe all I'm seeing is a mirror of myself.
Then there's the gorgeous woman who is my soul sister. The spiritual connection was instantaneous and so very strong and I feel the same connection with her beautiful children. It is truly quite amazing to not know someone at all and to feel such a deep bond at the same time.
I think of all the insights I've witnessed into relationships and power struggles and lack of communication and the trivial issues that people focus on when they are unable to see or face up to their true emotions. I've forgotten that my outside world is a reflection of my inner person, I've forgotten to take notice of the lessons that life is trying to teach me.
Yesterday at playgroup I held a baby boy who is 1 month older that my Joshua would have been. Oh how glorious it felt to hold him and talk to him and to watch Charlotte's reaction to him.
Tonight I watch a taped episode of Grey's Anatomy where a young boy was dying waiting for organ donations and I witnessed the point where the boy's mother, instead of begging and pleading for him to stay, finally reached the point where she was ready to let him go and the memory of losing my precious son came flooding back to the forefront of my mind.
The overwhelming emotion and gut wrenching pain I experienced was quite an unexpected shock and I felt the need to come and write in his blog. I wondered if maybe I gave up too easily on him, maybe I should have fought harder for the doctors to keep him alive, maybe I should have fought harder for them to transfer me to a hospital where they had facilities for premmie babies. I've heard of miracles happening, maybe I should have prayed harder and fought harder for one for us.
I wasn't strong enough to elect to fight. I didn't want to fight for months only to lose him anyway. I was too tired. I didn't have the energy or the will to fight, I only had the energy to ask my son to not struggle for my sake. If I had begged him not to leave me would he have fought to stay alive? Is that all that was required? Could I have saved Amy all the pain of losing another sibling if I had elected to fight for my son's life? Was it a test to see how much I wanted him?
Oh my God!!! How I wanted him! How I ache for him everyday of my life. I spend so much more time in the garden these days, at home and at Amy's school, because I feel like he is right beside me when I'm out there. I can hear him giggling and cooing and caressing my face and I can sense my darling Dad there too with his daughter Narelle and my daughter Cara and my cousin Evan. There are too many of them up there!! Way too many!
I will probably wake up tomorrow and get on with life, because I have to for the sake of my living children but in every step I make and every breath I take my heart will ache for my Joshua and my Cara. I bought a beautiful angel candle holder a few weeks ago and lit it for the first time yesterday and as I watched the flame flicker I felt my angel babies with their arms around my neck assuring me that they were never far away.
Tomorrow I return to Canberra to join in a 50th birthday celebration for a very dear friend. I return to Melbourne late Sunday evening and so I don't get to see my darling daughters (or my own mother) on the official Mother's Day but I believe that's what I need this year. I need to go and visit my Cara and be with her because the last few months have been all about Joshua.
I think I might be able to sleep now and there is so much to do tomorrow morning I really must. Goodnight my angels, goodnight anyone reading this blog. xxxxxx
