Well, it's been over 2 years now and we still have Joshua's ashes in a cupboard at home - we still haven't laid him to rest. I really think that I need to take him to Canberra and release him over Yerrabi Pond, the same place we released Cara... no other place seems right somehow. I like to visualize them together (Cara and Joshua) - holding hands and running to and with my Dad and my 4 grandparents and my sister Narelle and my cousin Evan. So many people up there to look after my little angels - how blessed I am.
As for grieving - I think I'm done with grieving, or at least the major part of it. I think Joshua's last birthday really healed a lot of hurt and pain over his loss - it is such a beautiful memory in my mind ;-) I no longer hurt when I see complete families or families with 4 children or a child who would be close in age to our Cara or our Joshua.
When I think of my baby boy now I smile at the vision described above and know that he has "fulfilled his purpose" (words shared with me by my very wise cousin Maria). I hope one day that I become aware of what that purpose was, but even if I don't, it doesn't matter. I was the vehicle by which he fulfilled his purpose - so be it. Those words have been so instrumental in my healing, quite amazing really.
There is a certain sense of peace that washes over me sometimes and I think it's when my darlings have their arms around me. I know that they are not here with me, but in a way they never feel far away either. Sounds crazy I know. I know that there will be days of sadness in my future but they will be nothing compared to the days I've experienced in the 2 years after I lost Cara and then Joshua.
Not sure that I will need to write here any more, I think it's time to move on now - not to forget, NEVER will I forget, just to move on. A part of my heart will be forever with my angels and I know now that it won't be just me remembering them. Every time someone in the world thinks of my angels, my heart will heal a little bit more and my strength will grow and one day I will be able to laugh just as easily and heartily as I did before 13th July 2003... one day soon.
Oh Dionne, that is just beautiful. I am busy reading a book about angels at the moment, it's written by a medium who talks about experiences that people have had with angels. She says that any baby you have, whether they actually are born into the world or not, stay with us for our whole lives. She also says that babies who have very short lives are highly evolved beings and are on their last life before going to heaven as our guardian angels. So, when you feel your darlings arms around you, it IS real. They are there. They are always with you, guiding you. Oh, and if you ever find a white feather, it is a sign that an angel came to visit you, I found one this morning, actually.
ReplyDeleteYou are a wonderful, wonderful person and you deserve all the happiness in the world. You have so many angels around you, here and up there.
All my love.
xxx.