Awakenings!

Everything happens for a reason... life is so amazing...

When the principal at school, a personal friend as well, was suddenly sacked on a Friday afternoon at 1pm the school community was in shock... I very quickly realised that I was experiencing the stages of grieving (having had been there a couple of times before in life!)...
1. shock and denial
2. anger
3. depression, detachment and/or guilt
4. dialogue and bargaining
5. acceptance

What I didn't realise straight away is why it also started a sequence of events which would lead me to moving forward in my process of grieving over my precious son.

The school board engaged a psychologist to help the community deal with the many issues that the sacking of the principal brought about and I decided to see her as I felt that I was being over-emotional about the whole situation. It was at our first session that Suzie helped me realise that this event was just "the straw that broke the camel's back".

In her eyes my journey in grief actually started in 1994 when I had a car accident. This accident resulted in me losing my ability to work full-time in a career that I loved, it also had major repercussions on my lifestyle. Over time I found that I had to give up many things that I loved doing - things that defined who I was... I was no longer able to enjoy a night at the movies, I was no longer able to sew my own clothes or do any other sewing, I was no longer able to crochet or cross-stitch, I was no longer able to garden to the extent that I used to... in essence I began to lose parts of my identity.

In 1997 I met Jeremy and my life took a different turn. Here before me was a person who was quite happy to support me financially and allow me to focus on healing my body. It took quite some time for me to let go of my stubborn independence and allow him to "look after me" and even then I had to make sure that I was "pulling my weight" by doing the books for the company, which led me to a new career path - bookkeeping.

I didn't realise how much I depended on Jeremy until I travelled with my Mum and sister around Europe. It was a rude awakening for me to see how much Jeremy helped me cope physically and how much I needed him. Unfortunately, it didn't do a lot for my self-esteem.

After living in the UK for 18 months, Jeremy and I eventually returned to live in Canberra and start a family, and once again I became aware of how impossible it was be for me to be physically independent. Even looking after our new baby was impossible without help from Mum and especially Jeremy. The night time feeds were especially difficult - there were many nights when I could barely get myself out of bed, let alone pick up a hungry infant from her cot, seat myself down and position both of us in a comfortable feeding position. It seemed there was nothing I could do on my own any more, I unknowingly grieved the loss of the independent being that I once was.

In 2003 when I lost Cara, a part of me actually died. I no longer had faith in my body to sustain a pregnancy to term and my feelings of failure as a mother, a wife and a woman were so intense. It took us over 2 years to fall pregnant again and the 5 months prior to Charlotte's birth were the most difficult 5 months of my life - both emotionally and physically. My inability to trust my body led to Charlotte being delivered by elective Caesarean at just 38 weeks. Thankfully she has been fit and healthy from the day she was born.

By this time, Mum was spending 3 months in Canberra and 3 months in Melbourne, and life grew increasingly difficult with 2 children and no family support and so Jeremy and I decided that it was time that our children spent more time with family and so we moved to Melbourne.

I always knew that the move would be hardest on me emotionally because Jeremy and I had made a commitment when we had kids that I would be at home with them until they started high school and so I knew that I would have to actively seek out a social network. What I didn't factor in was how much my body would be affected by the move and also how much the absence of the physical therapist network that I had built over time in Canberra would impact on it.

My body deteriorated so much that I was no longer able to drive anywhere further than 30 minutes from home because it would result in me being in too much pain to cope the next day. I soon discovered that volunteering at the school was the perfect "job" for me. I could work when I was physically able to, as much as I wanted, but no-one was there cracking the whip when I would wake up on those frequent mornings when I could do barely more than take the girls to school and pick them up again. And when I'm really bad and I just can't bare the thought of having to drive home and then drive back to school for pick-up again, I just stay at school and I can always find something useful to do there which doesn't involve a huge amount of physical effort.

In May 2008, just 7 months after moving to Melbourne I found myself pregnant, totally unplanned! Due to the increasing levels of pain I was experiencing on a daily basis I became quite severely depressed, and just couldn't see myself coping with another pregnancy and another baby, when I could barely cope physically with Charlotte, who wasn't even 2 years old at the time.

I even reached the point of considering suicide and taking my girls with me so that they wouldn't be without a mother. Thank God I had a moment of sanity during that very dark time and I took myself to the doctor for some help. By 14 weeks into the pregnancy the dark cloud had lifted and I was so excited at the thought of this precious and unexpected gift growing within me.

At our 18 week ultrasound I found out we were having a boy, and I just couldn't keep it to myself. He was the first Laidman boy since Jeremy's birth and the first in Dad's family since Dad's birth. What celebrations there were in the family at the news - it was exhilarating.

The suddenly in September he was ripped from our lives and I couldn't believe that it was happening to us again - I had failed so many people around me... again... Amy, Jeremy, my Mum, my in-laws and so many others. I just didn't get it.

I was so touched by those who came for Joshua's funeral - some travelling from Canberra just for the day and cousins who rushed back from overseas just so that they could be there for us. I also remember being so very sad because people who I thought were close to me didn't call or visit or contact me in any way to offer condolences. I was sooo very hurt. I so wanted to be back in Canberra with the friendship network that I'd built over the 15 years that I'd been there, and all the people who supported me through my loss of Cara.

I remember waking up on one particular day to an intense feeling of grief so overwhelming that I couldn't function, I couldn't think about what I needed to do to look after my girls and it totally freaked me out. I had to call Mum to come over and look after us all. Later that day, when the wave of grief finally lost it's hold on me I made a conscious decision to put my grief on hold until Charlotte was at school and I had the luxury of many hours in a day on my own, when I was not solely responsible for the care of my children.

I realise now that in making that decision that I unknowingly made the decision to start shutting myself down emotionally. I detached myself from my role of mother and nurturer, I detached myself from my role of wife and I detached myself from my role of Creative Memories consultant, because it is so much more than just a job for me - it feeds my soul, my creativity and my need to help people.

This person that I've become over the past 3 years - this helpless, incompetent, anti-social, whinger - is so far removed from the person I know myself to be that I almost don't recognise her.

All this I realised in just one session with the amazing Suzie! I have seen so many psychologists and therapists since moving to Melbourne. It is so invigorating to feel that I have finally found someone that truly understands me and will actually help me on my journey through grief back to the powerful, active, accomplished, amazing woman that I once was. Stay tuned world ;-)