It never ends!

Thursday, 9th April, 2009

It seems that Josh is knocking at my door again, wondering if I've forgotten him. As if I ever could!

Jeremy and I started filling out the paperwork for the baby bonus and then realised that we are no longer eligible because it had to be lodged within 26 weeks after his birth and it is now 30 weeks! That prompted me to write a letter to Family Assistance which went like this...

To Whom It May Concern:

Re: ??Newborn Child Bonus

On 20th September, 2009 I gave birth to our 4th child, our first son – Joshua Mark Lyon Laidman. He was the first Laidman grandson in 42 years and the first grandson on my Dad’s side of the family for 69 years. Sadly he lived less than hour, being at only 22 weeks gestation.

Joshua was the second child I have lost, my first being my second born Cara Angelica on 13th July, 2003. Cara was stillborn.

You cannot imagine the devastation of losing a child unless you have been through it and you cannot even begin to imagine how every event in your life somehow reminds you of that loss. It took almost 2 years for me to “recover” from losing Cara but still the sadness of events envelopes me at times to the point where I can only cry and at these times I cannot look after myself let alone my family – this responsibility then falls to my husband. Now my husband and I have to cope with not only our loss of Cara but the loss of our only son Joshua.

To lose a second child puts you into a space that I wish for no-one to go. I am a walking zombie, operating on remote control. I get through what I have to in life because I have to – I am the only mother that my living children have and I am trying very hard to keep my marriage together. I am 3 years behind in our company and personal tax returns and my house is definitely not a good example of what it should be with a mother that is primarily a housewife. My husband has been supporting me through my grief and holding the household together when I can’t and trying to hold down a full-time job.

On 20th March, 2009 I suffered through the 6 month anniversary of my son’s death in silence and events over the past few weeks have only brought that pain even closer to the surface.

This morning was the first time I was able to face filling in forms that officially remind me of all that we have lost in the losing the life of our son. My husband did most of it and asked me questions when he did not know the answers. At some point, my husband found that he had to phone about registering some details and after speaking to a consultant we were informed over the phone that we are too late and that the paperwork had to be submitted within 6 months of the birth.

How can you possibly put this sort of time limit on something like this. I have failed my family in so many ways in the past few years – my body has failed me in keeping alive 2 of my children, my mind has failed me in coping with the grief and in enabling me to be the mother I should be to my living children and the wife I should be to my husband and now you are telling me that I have placed extra financial hardship on them because I couldn’t get my act together soon enough.

I beg you to reconsider our application for this allowance and to review the policy you seem to have in place for the registration of these applications. Please consider the trauma that not only a mother, but her whole family, experiences in the event of a neonatal death and at least make an exception or increase the time allowed for these families to get through the first year of their loss – the most difficult time.

Yours faithfully,

Dionne Laidman

So, that was done and I sat down to proof-read it and I had a total meltdown. I put on the music I played at his funeral (both upstairs and downstairs) and did some cleaning up with tears pouring down my face. Jeremy had taken Amy to Taekwondo and Charlotte had gone with them and Liane wasn't home from work yet. I had the house to myself.

So, I lit Joshua's and Cara's candles and I let myself feel all the pain that I've been unknowingly suppressing for months. It was extremely confronting to have my life over the past 5 years summed up in one letter and to realise how much I have been letting down my husband and my daughters.

But... I have also realised that this is where I am right now. I need to bury myself in activities outside my home (right now it's Amy's school fair) and get through life on remote control. I have to accept that my mind is not capable of prioritising properly and will seek out any activity that does not leave time for an idle mind.

When my mind and I are ready I will sink into my grief and I will allow myself to feel all that is required but for now I will allow myself snippets of time spent in overwhelming grief that allows me to continue to do my job as a wife and mother because right now they are my most important roles in life.

Does anybody realise what goes on in a grieving mother's mind?

Whenever I see Amy and Charlotte playing together I wonder how the interactions would have been affected by Cara and Joshua. Whenever I see Charlotte playing with a baby I wonder what she would have been like as a big sister. When I see a photo of myself with my husband and my girls I think about the 2 that will always be missing. When I see my Mum with her 4 grand-daughters I think about the 2 grandchildren that will always be missing. When I see their aunts smother my children with love my heart aches for what my angel babies are missing.

Every Easter, every birthday, every Mother's Day, every Christmas, every event makes me miss my 2 angels in heaven - some events more than others. I don't only remember their birthdays, I remember their due dates, my body remembers the dates I found out I was pregnant with each of them, I remember them on every monthly anniversary of their due date and their birthday and so many other times during each and every day.

When I cry over Joshua I feel guilty because I don't want Cara thinking I've forgotten about her and vice-versa. I don't want Amy and Charlotte to think that Cara and Joshua only bring me grief and so I often try and hide my tears from them. I thank God for my precious jewel of a husband because if I had any other I would be in an assylum by now for sure.

I've realised that I need to write in order to deal with my grief and I haven't done that for a long time. I tend to send bulk emails and always feel that I am hassling people who don't want to hear about my woes and worries. Now I have this blog, I no longer need to hassle everyone I know. Those who want to can check where I am mentally any time they like without feeling that they are intruding on what most people consider to be private.

Me... I'm not a private person... I am happy to bare my pain and scars for the whole world to see in the hope that it helps someone... anyone!

I wonder if this is all coming up because Joshua should have been here with us this Easter and for my upcoming birthday and for Mother's Day. Or is it because I met a 4 month old baby at the pool last week whose name was Joshua. Or is it because someone sent me a poem last week about what people need to know about parents of angel babies. Or is it because a few weeks ago was 6 months after Joshua's birth and death. Or is it because of this stupid form we had to fill in. Or is it all the above!

Goodnight my angel babies. Rest assured that Mummy will never forget you.

Goodnight everyone.