It amazes me how this sadness comes out from nowhere! I woke up this morning with a very sore back and by 3pm I was soooo very down.
All morning my girls were, as usual, keeping themselves amused - watching TV, dressing up like fairies, playing Tinkerbell and Queen Amethyst which was naturally followed by a fairy tea party. The tea party consisted of chocolate and custard "fondude" (fondue!) on a picnic blanket in the TV room.
I spent the morning packing up some Christmas decorations and unpacking my every day decor which had been packed in the Christmas boxes. Almost everything I unpacked made me think of my angels in heaven - Joshua and Cara. I had statues of angels given to me on special occassions in their name, angels given to me on their special occassions, Josh's remembrance candles, Cara's butterflies.
When we lived in Canberra I had a butterfly wall - I collected a butterfly for every occassion that Cara missed in our lives... soooo many butterflies already! Since losing Joshua I haven't been able to find the right spot for my butterfly wall, feeling somehow that it would be unfair to have a wall in remembrance of Cara and nothing for Joshua.
Last year was probably the hardest year of my life. I've always managed to truly celebrate Cara's birthday and so I felt it was only right that I do the same for Joshua and so after celebrating Cara's 6th birthday in July we celebrated Joshua's 1st birthday in September.
Oh my God! How hard it is to find the strength to turn yet another day of sadness into something positive for me and my darling husband and most importantly my girls. For Cara's 1st birthday I held my first fundraiser workshop and it was so well attended - it was such a fitting tribute to my angel.
A simple lunch was planned for Joshua's 1st birthday, more for Amy than for anyone else. I convinced Amy that it would be best to keep it small, inviting only those who were closest to us, not knowing how I would be emotionally. Sadly not many people turned up, and that in itself made me soooo very sad. What I hoped would be a huge "celebration" of the many lives that my son had touched during his short life, turned out to be a reminder that most people don't really want to remember - too much sadness I think. I was ever so grateful to those who did join us, as it would have been an even sadder day if they hadn't come.
All you mothers out there who have lost infants as a result of miscarriage, stillbirth or neonatal death are probably the only ones who understand how much importance we place on other people remembering our lost babes. With every phone call or conversation I have with someone who lets me know that they have been thinking of Joshua or that their child has spoken of him out of the blue, a bit of the sadness in my heart is replaced with comfort. "Comfort" because that's one more person, outside of my immediate family, who has remembered my darling son.
And yet I still receive comments like "at least you have 2 beautiful, healthy daughters when some people can't have any children". It takes all the strength within me to smile at them and say "Yes, you're right" when all I want to do is scream at them and say "They are so much better off never knowing how much it hurts to lose a life that has grown inside you for months".
I wish that having my beautiful, healthy daughters was enough to take away the pain of losing 2 children, but it doesn't. If anything it magnifies it, because every time I see the dawn of a new aspect of their relationship with each other, it makes me wonder how different it would have been had their been another child in the mix or even another two.
Every time my darling girls fall over or have a rash or develop a cough I feel myself withdrawing from them emotionally because I can't help wondering if this is the start of the end - is God going to take yet another of my children away from me? I used to think, after losing Cara, "Okay, I have a lesson to learn and something to give to others from this experience... this is my cross to bear and I must learn to use it in the best way possible."
After losing Joshua I was dumbfounded and shattered. I felt that I had done so much soul searching and healing and growing after losing Cara. I couldn't believe that there was still more pain and suffering that I had to go through and that it had to be done through the loss of another child. I was angry with God for so many months after Joshua's death. It was only just before last Christmas (2009) that my anger finally subsided. Why, I don't know. Maybe I just got tired of being angry.
I have to say that my relationship with my God is at it's weakest at this point in my life. I always thank him for what he has given me, but it's been a very long time since I have asked him for anything. I know he is there and I know he is waiting for me to ask for his help, but I'm not ready for that yet.
I have been blessed with a very special friend, Maryanne - a gorgeous Samoan woman whose spirituality oozes from every pore, she is truly beautiful in every sense of the word. I feel that I used to be like her, I wore my spirituality on my sleeve for all to see. Right now, I don't even know what I believe in any more and so I hide my spirituality away, only allowing a select few people in my life to see that side of me.
Right now I'm not a very nice person to be around - I'm negative and angry and grumpy and soooo very, very sad all the time. I feel like the real me is buried deep within and what the world sees is just the hard shell of the person that I used to be.
Lightbulb moment!!! Maybe (fingers crossed!) I'm in my cocoon, waiting for the right time to emerge as a proud and regal butterfly ready to share my inherent beauty with the world. I think this caterpillar has started shedding some layers of skin though - I've spent weeks and weeks and weeks cleaning out my home. It has been such a reflection of the way I've felt inside - the downstairs has been relatively well presented but my no means welcoming (a bit like my exterior self) and the upstairs has been in a constant state of chaos (a bit like my interior self).
Over the last few weeks I've felt a renewed interest in making my home a reflection of the real me and it's actually starting to come together, bit by bit.
Well, as always, writing has been cathartic and I am feeling so much more at peace. My eyes are no longer overflowing with tears and the words are no longer pouring out, so it's time to say goodnight. Goodnight.
Monday, January 18, 2010
Friday, May 8, 2009
Inevitable!
I knew it would happen... in a way I've been waiting... actually it would be truer to say that I've been running and running and running faster and faster and faster, hoping that I can outrun it, hoping that I never have to visit this grim, dark place ever again but knowing that will never be the case.
The school fair was last Sunday and the wrap-up has taken most of the week and today, except for the thankyou notes and the minutes from the final meeting I am finished. After almost 2 weeks I was given the opportunity to once again sit and watch and enjoy my children here on earth being children and being sisters and knowing that I have helped to create the very special bond they share.
And my heart aches because there are 2 children missing and it's not fair! and it will never be fair! and I will never truly understand why it had to be me! No, I'm not feeling sorry for myself and no I'm not searching for reasons... I just don't understand and I guess I never will and I'm sure I will periodically suffer through these periods of this agonising sense of unfair loss.
For weeks now I have buried myself in the organisation of the school fair and I have so loved every minute of it. I have worked with an amazingly positive group of women who have taught me so much about myself - about what I want out of life and what I want for my children and what I want out of friendships and what I want my children to see and remember in their mother.
I have connected with a beautiful woman who seems so much like me that it scares me and who has married a man so much like Jeremy it's almost comical. I sense her fear of being close to one single friend. I feel the wall that goes up every so often to remind me that there will always be a certain safe distance kept between us. Sometimes that wall goes down for an extremely brief moment and I feel the beauty of being allowed into her sacred space and I feel so safe and nurtured in that space and I want to stay there forever but the wall returns. But I am content with just hanging around for those glimpses, sometimes feeling that maybe all I'm seeing is a mirror of myself.
Then there's the gorgeous woman who is my soul sister. The spiritual connection was instantaneous and so very strong and I feel the same connection with her beautiful children. It is truly quite amazing to not know someone at all and to feel such a deep bond at the same time.
I think of all the insights I've witnessed into relationships and power struggles and lack of communication and the trivial issues that people focus on when they are unable to see or face up to their true emotions. I've forgotten that my outside world is a reflection of my inner person, I've forgotten to take notice of the lessons that life is trying to teach me.
Yesterday at playgroup I held a baby boy who is 1 month older that my Joshua would have been. Oh how glorious it felt to hold him and talk to him and to watch Charlotte's reaction to him.
Tonight I watch a taped episode of Grey's Anatomy where a young boy was dying waiting for organ donations and I witnessed the point where the boy's mother, instead of begging and pleading for him to stay, finally reached the point where she was ready to let him go and the memory of losing my precious son came flooding back to the forefront of my mind.
The overwhelming emotion and gut wrenching pain I experienced was quite an unexpected shock and I felt the need to come and write in his blog. I wondered if maybe I gave up too easily on him, maybe I should have fought harder for the doctors to keep him alive, maybe I should have fought harder for them to transfer me to a hospital where they had facilities for premmie babies. I've heard of miracles happening, maybe I should have prayed harder and fought harder for one for us.
I wasn't strong enough to elect to fight. I didn't want to fight for months only to lose him anyway. I was too tired. I didn't have the energy or the will to fight, I only had the energy to ask my son to not struggle for my sake. If I had begged him not to leave me would he have fought to stay alive? Is that all that was required? Could I have saved Amy all the pain of losing another sibling if I had elected to fight for my son's life? Was it a test to see how much I wanted him?
Oh my God!!! How I wanted him! How I ache for him everyday of my life. I spend so much more time in the garden these days, at home and at Amy's school, because I feel like he is right beside me when I'm out there. I can hear him giggling and cooing and caressing my face and I can sense my darling Dad there too with his daughter Narelle and my daughter Cara and my cousin Evan. There are too many of them up there!! Way too many!
I will probably wake up tomorrow and get on with life, because I have to for the sake of my living children but in every step I make and every breath I take my heart will ache for my Joshua and my Cara. I bought a beautiful angel candle holder a few weeks ago and lit it for the first time yesterday and as I watched the flame flicker I felt my angel babies with their arms around my neck assuring me that they were never far away.
Tomorrow I return to Canberra to join in a 50th birthday celebration for a very dear friend. I return to Melbourne late Sunday evening and so I don't get to see my darling daughters (or my own mother) on the official Mother's Day but I believe that's what I need this year. I need to go and visit my Cara and be with her because the last few months have been all about Joshua.
I think I might be able to sleep now and there is so much to do tomorrow morning I really must. Goodnight my angels, goodnight anyone reading this blog. xxxxxx
The school fair was last Sunday and the wrap-up has taken most of the week and today, except for the thankyou notes and the minutes from the final meeting I am finished. After almost 2 weeks I was given the opportunity to once again sit and watch and enjoy my children here on earth being children and being sisters and knowing that I have helped to create the very special bond they share.
And my heart aches because there are 2 children missing and it's not fair! and it will never be fair! and I will never truly understand why it had to be me! No, I'm not feeling sorry for myself and no I'm not searching for reasons... I just don't understand and I guess I never will and I'm sure I will periodically suffer through these periods of this agonising sense of unfair loss.
For weeks now I have buried myself in the organisation of the school fair and I have so loved every minute of it. I have worked with an amazingly positive group of women who have taught me so much about myself - about what I want out of life and what I want for my children and what I want out of friendships and what I want my children to see and remember in their mother.
I have connected with a beautiful woman who seems so much like me that it scares me and who has married a man so much like Jeremy it's almost comical. I sense her fear of being close to one single friend. I feel the wall that goes up every so often to remind me that there will always be a certain safe distance kept between us. Sometimes that wall goes down for an extremely brief moment and I feel the beauty of being allowed into her sacred space and I feel so safe and nurtured in that space and I want to stay there forever but the wall returns. But I am content with just hanging around for those glimpses, sometimes feeling that maybe all I'm seeing is a mirror of myself.
Then there's the gorgeous woman who is my soul sister. The spiritual connection was instantaneous and so very strong and I feel the same connection with her beautiful children. It is truly quite amazing to not know someone at all and to feel such a deep bond at the same time.
I think of all the insights I've witnessed into relationships and power struggles and lack of communication and the trivial issues that people focus on when they are unable to see or face up to their true emotions. I've forgotten that my outside world is a reflection of my inner person, I've forgotten to take notice of the lessons that life is trying to teach me.
Yesterday at playgroup I held a baby boy who is 1 month older that my Joshua would have been. Oh how glorious it felt to hold him and talk to him and to watch Charlotte's reaction to him.
Tonight I watch a taped episode of Grey's Anatomy where a young boy was dying waiting for organ donations and I witnessed the point where the boy's mother, instead of begging and pleading for him to stay, finally reached the point where she was ready to let him go and the memory of losing my precious son came flooding back to the forefront of my mind.
The overwhelming emotion and gut wrenching pain I experienced was quite an unexpected shock and I felt the need to come and write in his blog. I wondered if maybe I gave up too easily on him, maybe I should have fought harder for the doctors to keep him alive, maybe I should have fought harder for them to transfer me to a hospital where they had facilities for premmie babies. I've heard of miracles happening, maybe I should have prayed harder and fought harder for one for us.
I wasn't strong enough to elect to fight. I didn't want to fight for months only to lose him anyway. I was too tired. I didn't have the energy or the will to fight, I only had the energy to ask my son to not struggle for my sake. If I had begged him not to leave me would he have fought to stay alive? Is that all that was required? Could I have saved Amy all the pain of losing another sibling if I had elected to fight for my son's life? Was it a test to see how much I wanted him?
Oh my God!!! How I wanted him! How I ache for him everyday of my life. I spend so much more time in the garden these days, at home and at Amy's school, because I feel like he is right beside me when I'm out there. I can hear him giggling and cooing and caressing my face and I can sense my darling Dad there too with his daughter Narelle and my daughter Cara and my cousin Evan. There are too many of them up there!! Way too many!
I will probably wake up tomorrow and get on with life, because I have to for the sake of my living children but in every step I make and every breath I take my heart will ache for my Joshua and my Cara. I bought a beautiful angel candle holder a few weeks ago and lit it for the first time yesterday and as I watched the flame flicker I felt my angel babies with their arms around my neck assuring me that they were never far away.
Tomorrow I return to Canberra to join in a 50th birthday celebration for a very dear friend. I return to Melbourne late Sunday evening and so I don't get to see my darling daughters (or my own mother) on the official Mother's Day but I believe that's what I need this year. I need to go and visit my Cara and be with her because the last few months have been all about Joshua.
I think I might be able to sleep now and there is so much to do tomorrow morning I really must. Goodnight my angels, goodnight anyone reading this blog. xxxxxx
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Easter comes... Easter goes...
Well, to my surprise Easter was a piece of cake. Joshua was in my face every single day of the last week but it didn't have much to do with Easter - well, sort of.
I woke up on Good Friday feeling a strong urge to get out into the garden - the place where I feel closest to my Joshua. So, after a fairly leisurely morning I left my darling husband in charge of my gorgeous children and I went out to garden. After about 20 minutes it started to drizzle but I kept working and I asked the heavens to just hold off for an hour... pleeease! After another 5 minutes it started to rain too heavily to keep working so I gave in and went inside. After 10 minutes of clearing up inside the rain eased and so I donned my raincoat and went back out to do some more weeding. Over the next 20 minutes the downpour increased steadily as did my anger. Why the hell couldn't he give me 1 hour in the garden, hadn't he already taken enough from me! Every 10 minutes I went outside to see what the conditions were like and it was still pouring and my anger grew. At 2:45pm Liane asked if I was going to 3pm mass and I hesitated and thought about it and I said "Nope! I'm not".
For the first time in my life I didn't attend Good Friday service and I felt like a petulant child but I had made up my mind and I wasn't going, no way! At about 4pm the rain eased again and I went outside and finished an uninterrupted hour of weeding and even though there was so much more to do I felt satisfied with my efforts. Physically I was exhausted but I think that was more about my state of mind that the strain of weeding.
I woke up on Saturday morning with lower back pain and aching legs and I cursed myself for overdoing the gardening the day before, but it was too late to do much about it. As a result of my stubborness I missed out on a family lunch as I didn't feel able to handle the drive to and from Mt Eliza and I wasn't very impressed with my world. I didn't get much done on Saturday due to my level of pain and at 9pm on Saturday evening I suddenly realized that I was having people over for Easter Sunday lunch and my house was a pig sty and so I started cleaning and tidying.
On Sunday morning I woke up feeling like I was never going to be ready for our guests and I was once again pissed off with God! Who else was I to blame. My plans to go to 10am mass flew out the window and I convinced myself that it didn't matter and that it wasn't important and the day came and went and it was a great day. I little my candle for Joshua and my candle for Cara and when we sat down to our Easter meal I thought of all that was missing from our lives.
The next day, as Jeremy and Amy left for the footy with friends from Perth, Charlotte spotted 4 white butterflies in our garden and of course Amy has to race over and greet them. Normally when I see a white butterfly it is on it's own and those of you who know me well, know that all butterflies remind me of my darling Cara. On this morning I thought to myself "Hi Cara, it's so nice to see you with some friends instead of on your own" and a sense of peace washed over me.
Since January I have started doubting my beliefs and I haven't really known what to believe in any more. I have never doubted the existence of Jesus but I have to admit that I had begun to wonder what all this "God" business was really about.
Tonight, Jeremy and I went to the movies for the first time in years, because Amy and Charlotte are at Yolette's for the night, and we saw "The Knowing". What an amazingly beautiful story - it uplifted my spirit and renewed my faith in a higher power, a greater being, a heavenly existence. I feel like a weight has been lifted from my heart and I have once again begun to rejoice in the richness that ALL my children have brought to my life whether they have remained with me or not.
And on that note I will end tonight. Goodnight all.
I woke up on Good Friday feeling a strong urge to get out into the garden - the place where I feel closest to my Joshua. So, after a fairly leisurely morning I left my darling husband in charge of my gorgeous children and I went out to garden. After about 20 minutes it started to drizzle but I kept working and I asked the heavens to just hold off for an hour... pleeease! After another 5 minutes it started to rain too heavily to keep working so I gave in and went inside. After 10 minutes of clearing up inside the rain eased and so I donned my raincoat and went back out to do some more weeding. Over the next 20 minutes the downpour increased steadily as did my anger. Why the hell couldn't he give me 1 hour in the garden, hadn't he already taken enough from me! Every 10 minutes I went outside to see what the conditions were like and it was still pouring and my anger grew. At 2:45pm Liane asked if I was going to 3pm mass and I hesitated and thought about it and I said "Nope! I'm not".
For the first time in my life I didn't attend Good Friday service and I felt like a petulant child but I had made up my mind and I wasn't going, no way! At about 4pm the rain eased again and I went outside and finished an uninterrupted hour of weeding and even though there was so much more to do I felt satisfied with my efforts. Physically I was exhausted but I think that was more about my state of mind that the strain of weeding.
I woke up on Saturday morning with lower back pain and aching legs and I cursed myself for overdoing the gardening the day before, but it was too late to do much about it. As a result of my stubborness I missed out on a family lunch as I didn't feel able to handle the drive to and from Mt Eliza and I wasn't very impressed with my world. I didn't get much done on Saturday due to my level of pain and at 9pm on Saturday evening I suddenly realized that I was having people over for Easter Sunday lunch and my house was a pig sty and so I started cleaning and tidying.
On Sunday morning I woke up feeling like I was never going to be ready for our guests and I was once again pissed off with God! Who else was I to blame. My plans to go to 10am mass flew out the window and I convinced myself that it didn't matter and that it wasn't important and the day came and went and it was a great day. I little my candle for Joshua and my candle for Cara and when we sat down to our Easter meal I thought of all that was missing from our lives.
The next day, as Jeremy and Amy left for the footy with friends from Perth, Charlotte spotted 4 white butterflies in our garden and of course Amy has to race over and greet them. Normally when I see a white butterfly it is on it's own and those of you who know me well, know that all butterflies remind me of my darling Cara. On this morning I thought to myself "Hi Cara, it's so nice to see you with some friends instead of on your own" and a sense of peace washed over me.
Since January I have started doubting my beliefs and I haven't really known what to believe in any more. I have never doubted the existence of Jesus but I have to admit that I had begun to wonder what all this "God" business was really about.
Tonight, Jeremy and I went to the movies for the first time in years, because Amy and Charlotte are at Yolette's for the night, and we saw "The Knowing". What an amazingly beautiful story - it uplifted my spirit and renewed my faith in a higher power, a greater being, a heavenly existence. I feel like a weight has been lifted from my heart and I have once again begun to rejoice in the richness that ALL my children have brought to my life whether they have remained with me or not.
And on that note I will end tonight. Goodnight all.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
It never ends!
Thursday, 9th April, 2009
It seems that Josh is knocking at my door again, wondering if I've forgotten him. As if I ever could!
Jeremy and I started filling out the paperwork for the baby bonus and then realised that we are no longer eligible because it had to be lodged within 26 weeks after his birth and it is now 30 weeks! That prompted me to write a letter to Family Assistance which went like this...
To Whom It May Concern:
Re: ??Newborn Child Bonus
On 20th September, 2009 I gave birth to our 4th child, our first son – Joshua Mark Lyon Laidman. He was the first Laidman grandson in 42 years and the first grandson on my Dad’s side of the family for 69 years. Sadly he lived less than hour, being at only 22 weeks gestation.
Joshua was the second child I have lost, my first being my second born Cara Angelica on 13th July, 2003. Cara was stillborn.
You cannot imagine the devastation of losing a child unless you have been through it and you cannot even begin to imagine how every event in your life somehow reminds you of that loss. It took almost 2 years for me to “recover” from losing Cara but still the sadness of events envelopes me at times to the point where I can only cry and at these times I cannot look after myself let alone my family – this responsibility then falls to my husband. Now my husband and I have to cope with not only our loss of Cara but the loss of our only son Joshua.
To lose a second child puts you into a space that I wish for no-one to go. I am a walking zombie, operating on remote control. I get through what I have to in life because I have to – I am the only mother that my living children have and I am trying very hard to keep my marriage together. I am 3 years behind in our company and personal tax returns and my house is definitely not a good example of what it should be with a mother that is primarily a housewife. My husband has been supporting me through my grief and holding the household together when I can’t and trying to hold down a full-time job.
On 20th March, 2009 I suffered through the 6 month anniversary of my son’s death in silence and events over the past few weeks have only brought that pain even closer to the surface.
This morning was the first time I was able to face filling in forms that officially remind me of all that we have lost in the losing the life of our son. My husband did most of it and asked me questions when he did not know the answers. At some point, my husband found that he had to phone about registering some details and after speaking to a consultant we were informed over the phone that we are too late and that the paperwork had to be submitted within 6 months of the birth.
How can you possibly put this sort of time limit on something like this. I have failed my family in so many ways in the past few years – my body has failed me in keeping alive 2 of my children, my mind has failed me in coping with the grief and in enabling me to be the mother I should be to my living children and the wife I should be to my husband and now you are telling me that I have placed extra financial hardship on them because I couldn’t get my act together soon enough.
I beg you to reconsider our application for this allowance and to review the policy you seem to have in place for the registration of these applications. Please consider the trauma that not only a mother, but her whole family, experiences in the event of a neonatal death and at least make an exception or increase the time allowed for these families to get through the first year of their loss – the most difficult time.
Yours faithfully,
Dionne Laidman
So, that was done and I sat down to proof-read it and I had a total meltdown. I put on the music I played at his funeral (both upstairs and downstairs) and did some cleaning up with tears pouring down my face. Jeremy had taken Amy to Taekwondo and Charlotte had gone with them and Liane wasn't home from work yet. I had the house to myself.
So, I lit Joshua's and Cara's candles and I let myself feel all the pain that I've been unknowingly suppressing for months. It was extremely confronting to have my life over the past 5 years summed up in one letter and to realise how much I have been letting down my husband and my daughters.
But... I have also realised that this is where I am right now. I need to bury myself in activities outside my home (right now it's Amy's school fair) and get through life on remote control. I have to accept that my mind is not capable of prioritising properly and will seek out any activity that does not leave time for an idle mind.
When my mind and I are ready I will sink into my grief and I will allow myself to feel all that is required but for now I will allow myself snippets of time spent in overwhelming grief that allows me to continue to do my job as a wife and mother because right now they are my most important roles in life.
Does anybody realise what goes on in a grieving mother's mind?
Whenever I see Amy and Charlotte playing together I wonder how the interactions would have been affected by Cara and Joshua. Whenever I see Charlotte playing with a baby I wonder what she would have been like as a big sister. When I see a photo of myself with my husband and my girls I think about the 2 that will always be missing. When I see my Mum with her 4 grand-daughters I think about the 2 grandchildren that will always be missing. When I see their aunts smother my children with love my heart aches for what my angel babies are missing.
Every Easter, every birthday, every Mother's Day, every Christmas, every event makes me miss my 2 angels in heaven - some events more than others. I don't only remember their birthdays, I remember their due dates, my body remembers the dates I found out I was pregnant with each of them, I remember them on every monthly anniversary of their due date and their birthday and so many other times during each and every day.
When I cry over Joshua I feel guilty because I don't want Cara thinking I've forgotten about her and vice-versa. I don't want Amy and Charlotte to think that Cara and Joshua only bring me grief and so I often try and hide my tears from them. I thank God for my precious jewel of a husband because if I had any other I would be in an assylum by now for sure.
I've realised that I need to write in order to deal with my grief and I haven't done that for a long time. I tend to send bulk emails and always feel that I am hassling people who don't want to hear about my woes and worries. Now I have this blog, I no longer need to hassle everyone I know. Those who want to can check where I am mentally any time they like without feeling that they are intruding on what most people consider to be private.
Me... I'm not a private person... I am happy to bare my pain and scars for the whole world to see in the hope that it helps someone... anyone!
I wonder if this is all coming up because Joshua should have been here with us this Easter and for my upcoming birthday and for Mother's Day. Or is it because I met a 4 month old baby at the pool last week whose name was Joshua. Or is it because someone sent me a poem last week about what people need to know about parents of angel babies. Or is it because a few weeks ago was 6 months after Joshua's birth and death. Or is it because of this stupid form we had to fill in. Or is it all the above!
Goodnight my angel babies. Rest assured that Mummy will never forget you.
Goodnight everyone.
It seems that Josh is knocking at my door again, wondering if I've forgotten him. As if I ever could!
Jeremy and I started filling out the paperwork for the baby bonus and then realised that we are no longer eligible because it had to be lodged within 26 weeks after his birth and it is now 30 weeks! That prompted me to write a letter to Family Assistance which went like this...
To Whom It May Concern:
Re: ??Newborn Child Bonus
On 20th September, 2009 I gave birth to our 4th child, our first son – Joshua Mark Lyon Laidman. He was the first Laidman grandson in 42 years and the first grandson on my Dad’s side of the family for 69 years. Sadly he lived less than hour, being at only 22 weeks gestation.
Joshua was the second child I have lost, my first being my second born Cara Angelica on 13th July, 2003. Cara was stillborn.
You cannot imagine the devastation of losing a child unless you have been through it and you cannot even begin to imagine how every event in your life somehow reminds you of that loss. It took almost 2 years for me to “recover” from losing Cara but still the sadness of events envelopes me at times to the point where I can only cry and at these times I cannot look after myself let alone my family – this responsibility then falls to my husband. Now my husband and I have to cope with not only our loss of Cara but the loss of our only son Joshua.
To lose a second child puts you into a space that I wish for no-one to go. I am a walking zombie, operating on remote control. I get through what I have to in life because I have to – I am the only mother that my living children have and I am trying very hard to keep my marriage together. I am 3 years behind in our company and personal tax returns and my house is definitely not a good example of what it should be with a mother that is primarily a housewife. My husband has been supporting me through my grief and holding the household together when I can’t and trying to hold down a full-time job.
On 20th March, 2009 I suffered through the 6 month anniversary of my son’s death in silence and events over the past few weeks have only brought that pain even closer to the surface.
This morning was the first time I was able to face filling in forms that officially remind me of all that we have lost in the losing the life of our son. My husband did most of it and asked me questions when he did not know the answers. At some point, my husband found that he had to phone about registering some details and after speaking to a consultant we were informed over the phone that we are too late and that the paperwork had to be submitted within 6 months of the birth.
How can you possibly put this sort of time limit on something like this. I have failed my family in so many ways in the past few years – my body has failed me in keeping alive 2 of my children, my mind has failed me in coping with the grief and in enabling me to be the mother I should be to my living children and the wife I should be to my husband and now you are telling me that I have placed extra financial hardship on them because I couldn’t get my act together soon enough.
I beg you to reconsider our application for this allowance and to review the policy you seem to have in place for the registration of these applications. Please consider the trauma that not only a mother, but her whole family, experiences in the event of a neonatal death and at least make an exception or increase the time allowed for these families to get through the first year of their loss – the most difficult time.
Yours faithfully,
Dionne Laidman
So, that was done and I sat down to proof-read it and I had a total meltdown. I put on the music I played at his funeral (both upstairs and downstairs) and did some cleaning up with tears pouring down my face. Jeremy had taken Amy to Taekwondo and Charlotte had gone with them and Liane wasn't home from work yet. I had the house to myself.
So, I lit Joshua's and Cara's candles and I let myself feel all the pain that I've been unknowingly suppressing for months. It was extremely confronting to have my life over the past 5 years summed up in one letter and to realise how much I have been letting down my husband and my daughters.
But... I have also realised that this is where I am right now. I need to bury myself in activities outside my home (right now it's Amy's school fair) and get through life on remote control. I have to accept that my mind is not capable of prioritising properly and will seek out any activity that does not leave time for an idle mind.
When my mind and I are ready I will sink into my grief and I will allow myself to feel all that is required but for now I will allow myself snippets of time spent in overwhelming grief that allows me to continue to do my job as a wife and mother because right now they are my most important roles in life.
Does anybody realise what goes on in a grieving mother's mind?
Whenever I see Amy and Charlotte playing together I wonder how the interactions would have been affected by Cara and Joshua. Whenever I see Charlotte playing with a baby I wonder what she would have been like as a big sister. When I see a photo of myself with my husband and my girls I think about the 2 that will always be missing. When I see my Mum with her 4 grand-daughters I think about the 2 grandchildren that will always be missing. When I see their aunts smother my children with love my heart aches for what my angel babies are missing.
Every Easter, every birthday, every Mother's Day, every Christmas, every event makes me miss my 2 angels in heaven - some events more than others. I don't only remember their birthdays, I remember their due dates, my body remembers the dates I found out I was pregnant with each of them, I remember them on every monthly anniversary of their due date and their birthday and so many other times during each and every day.
When I cry over Joshua I feel guilty because I don't want Cara thinking I've forgotten about her and vice-versa. I don't want Amy and Charlotte to think that Cara and Joshua only bring me grief and so I often try and hide my tears from them. I thank God for my precious jewel of a husband because if I had any other I would be in an assylum by now for sure.
I've realised that I need to write in order to deal with my grief and I haven't done that for a long time. I tend to send bulk emails and always feel that I am hassling people who don't want to hear about my woes and worries. Now I have this blog, I no longer need to hassle everyone I know. Those who want to can check where I am mentally any time they like without feeling that they are intruding on what most people consider to be private.
Me... I'm not a private person... I am happy to bare my pain and scars for the whole world to see in the hope that it helps someone... anyone!
I wonder if this is all coming up because Joshua should have been here with us this Easter and for my upcoming birthday and for Mother's Day. Or is it because I met a 4 month old baby at the pool last week whose name was Joshua. Or is it because someone sent me a poem last week about what people need to know about parents of angel babies. Or is it because a few weeks ago was 6 months after Joshua's birth and death. Or is it because of this stupid form we had to fill in. Or is it all the above!
Goodnight my angel babies. Rest assured that Mummy will never forget you.
Goodnight everyone.
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